Another lousy wedding toast

Five Star Entertainment has heard more wedding toasts than Elton John has eye glasses.  We’ve heard some good ones, and boy, we’ve heard some bad ones.  I heard another lousy wedding toast earlier this year and found myself muttering,

“It doesn’t have to be this way.”

Wedding couples DESERVE a scintillating wedding toast.  They are ENTITLED to a heartfelt toast that simply sparkles.  That’s why we blog on the subject frequently.

The most recent lousy wedding toast came from a best man to the groom.  He was quite young and lacking in experience, and it showed.  He immediately told us he had written down his remarks so he wouldn’t forget them.

I thought, “excellent!”

But then he proceeded to prowl the wedding party’s platform blathering about nothing much as his hands fumbled through his pockets looking for his cheat sheet, which leads to wedding toast tip #1.

Wedding Toast Tip #1

Write out your remarks and KNOW where you put them.

After several minutes of discombobulated mutterings and misdirected quips, he turned his back to the gathered guests and fumbled through his suit coat, which he had earlier tossed on the floor behind him, giving us all an unwelcome view of his posterior.

Wedding Toast Tip #2

Don’t give your guests an unwelcome view of your posterior.

Once he found his elusive cheat sheet, he resumed stalking the wedding party platform with his crumpled cheat sheet clenched in his left hand and the microphone in his right hand.  And then something weird happened:  He. Never. Looked. At. It.

Wedding Toast Tip #3

If you have a cheat sheet, use it.

After all that fussing, he didn’t use his precious notes, but instead returned to lengthy ramblings on why he didn’t like the groom when he first met him in eighth grade.  As I gazed around the banquet hall, I could see eyes glazing over.

All faces sent the same message: Please, wrap this thing up, like fast!

Wedding Toast Tip #4

Read your audience.

It really helps to look out at the guests to be sure you’re connecting with them.  If our young toaster had done so, the blank visage adorning the face of each audience member would have been a useful motivation to him to bring his toast to a succinct, heartfelt conclusion, instead of continuing with the meandering mess into which it had devolved.

So how do you give a good toast?

Wedding Toast Tip #5

Make ‘em laugh and make ‘em cry.  And do it quickly.

The longer the toast, the more likely it’s going to crash and burn in wedding reception ignominy.  The shorter the toast, the more likely it’s going to be remembered, especially if the toast makes the audience laugh and cry.

Our young toaster would have been better served if he had said something like this:

Sample wedding toast

“Johnny may be my best friend today, but let me tell you, I didn’t like the guy at all when I first met him in 8th grade.

Now my reasons were not particularly good.  He’s better looking than I am. He’s smarter than I am.  And he’s got a better personality to boot.  Maybe that’s why he always dated the best looking girls in our class.

I was kind of jealous.

But then he fixed me up with this gorgeous redhead, and the rest was history!  How could I not love this guy?

You know what else I grew to love about this guy?  He saw something in me that I didn’t see.  He embraced me as a friend, and frankly, made me into a better person.

He’d give me the shirt off his back, and he has in a variety of ways.

Jenny Sue, I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, but you just married one heckuva human being.  And so did he.  You two deserve each other.  You are special, the perfect complement to a very special guy.

I can honestly say that I am delighted that I am no longer Johnny’s best friend.  That honor belongs to you, Mrs. Smith.  You make my best friend so very happy.

I’d like to invite all your guests to raise their glass in a toast to the very special friendship that has blossomed into a beautiful love affair … a toast to Johnny and Jenny Sue Smith!”

A minute-and-a-half.  You don’t have to be long-winded to make a beautiful wedding toast.

Be sure to forward this blog to your best man and maid of honor.  And as you plan your wedding celebration, remember entertainment makes the event.  Be sure to check out all of our wedding entertainment services: DJ; lighting; photo booth. You’re going to fall in love with them!