Wedding date drama

What’s more important to you? Getting the wedding date you want? Or ensuring that the most important people in your life can attend your big day? These questions were the flashpoint of a wedding date drama that appeared in a recent advice column.

A recently engaged bride wrote to Carolyn Hax grousing about her situation. She and her fiancé desired a Fall wedding. The rub: the fiancé’s brother, the best man, played college football, and had games scheduled throughout the season. The jock’s parents checked his schedule, and determined that he had two open Saturdays.

Their church had but one of those dates available, so the couple snapped it up and began making plans accordingly. And then the wedding date drama began. The bride wrote:

“Turns out his team scheduled a game on our wedding date. I had NO idea the drama this would cause. His family, mainly his parents, expected us to change the date. However, we were months into planning and this was not something we could do. So we stuck with our date, expecting his family would understand. They have since been supportive, but it is assumed that his brother will miss our wedding. He is the best man.”

Let’s pause here: what would you do? Stick with your date? Change your date? Get mad?

The bride-to-be is upset because the family, primarily the parents, side with the brother’s view that he is part of a team that counts on him, and he simply can’t miss the game, even though “it is also non conference, and so is insignificant.”

Before we excerpt Carolyn Hax’s response, we return to the first 3 sentences of this blogpost. What really matters most to you?

Think about it. Why do modern couples invite people to their weddings? For a number of reasons:

1. To witness a life-changing, life-enhancing, milestone in the life of someone they care about.
2. To provide moral and spiritual support to a couple not just today, but in the years to come.
3. To share in the joy. Why do people get married? Because they have been overwhelmed by love, and wish to share their joy, just as their guests want to reciprocate by sharing their joy right back with you.

In other words, the cake, the prime rib, and the dancing aren’t as important as the guest list.

You may not agree, but let’s take a look at what Ms. Hax has to say:

“It may be JUST a game, but fall is just a season, and your insistence on a fall wedding despite the brother’s known football commitment is no less arbitrary and self-serving than his promise to his team. If anything, with teammates counting on him, his is the stronger case to be made. You could also have chosen a Sunday.”

Ultimately, she recommends she lick her wounds and move on without the brother, or reschedule, despite the inconvenience. But whatever, do it without holding any grudges, which is a terrible way to start a marriage.

Hax presented 3 facts to help understand the situation:

Fact 1: You can’t keep the date and have the brother there.

Fact 2: You and your fiancé need to decide, together, which is more important: the onward march of logistics, or the brother’s presence. (If you reschedule, I hope the fiancé’s parents pitch in for lost deposits; if you proceed without the brother, I hope you fly him in for a celebratory lunch the following day.)

Fact 3: Either way, you have a choice of your own to make. Do you stay angry forever about the wedding, or do you accept this as part of marriage: that different needs, mores and methods, and bad luck, will conspire against you sometimes? Usually when you’re most set on having your way?

Both sides have a point. The bride-to-be is several months into the planning process. What a pain to change the date! So whatever the decision, do it with a smile, lick your wounds, and move forward joyfully.

It’ll all be worth it once you say “I do!” And then when it’s time for your first dance, Five Star Entertainment will bathe the dance floor with beautiful music (a song you’ve selected, of course) and festive decor lighting. What a celebration! Check us without obligation. And if you’re marrying into a football family, you might want to avoid a Fall wedding!